there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
