Banned from zoo.
Again?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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