i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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