I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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