how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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