Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
