no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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