A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
