someone get that fucking seahorse.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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