I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
