Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
