The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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