It was confusing and full of hummus
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize