Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
