so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
