i already hear my dad disowning me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
