I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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