my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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