Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
