Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My dick has a subreddit
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
