So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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