the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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