rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
