I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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