dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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