Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
