I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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