So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
