We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize