FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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