The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
cat food counts as protein by the way
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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