I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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