Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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