So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish there were birth control emojis
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
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