just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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