the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
