I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
