I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
