Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
