I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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