I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it glows. i had to have it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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