The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize