I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
