I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
