I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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