when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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