wrigley field is MILF paradise
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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