i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
