True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
