By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
