I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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