He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
