I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
