I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
