Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
