Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
