I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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