yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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