you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
