I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You pole danced in your parka.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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