New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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